I’m walking but don’t know where am I going? Isn’t it funny?

Yesterday was another sleepless night. I’m afraid tomorrow will be another one. Sometimes I ask myself why am I even alive , why am I even breathing. I don’t deserve this life. I don’t know why God choosen someone like me to gift this precious life.

I feel completely lost sometimes. I don’t know what I like or what I don’t. I don’t know who am I actually?. I don’t know what makes me feel beautiful, what makes me happy and that’s my biggest fear. I get scare , scare if I can’t find my own happiness. I’m going Insane but that’s okay because my grades are more important then my mental health.

I feel like , I’ve created a monster inside my head. A monster of bundle of questions. Life is a another name of happiness but I’m not happy. I don’t know the reason behind this. I just wanna be happy, not confuse, not hurt, not stressed, JUST HAPPY. I want to rest in peace.

If I want to ask, How can I find the value of 'x' . I can ask my Maths Teacher Ms. Shallu Narula. But What if I want to know . How can I find my happiness, How can I find that lost me, Who is walking just walking and doesn’t know where is that dimwit going actually ?.

Sometimes all of a sudden, I feel very tired like the world has drained me for everything I had.

I lost myself. That’s what happened. I don’t know when?, I don’t know how?, It just happened. I was there and then I wasn’t, and I’m still not quite sure how can I get myself back?.

I was not myself for months and No one noticed.

I MISS ME ,

THE OLD ME,

THE HAPPY ME,

THE BRIGHT ME,

THE SMILING ME,

THE LAUGHING ME,

THE GONE ME.

You know, What is the worst feeling? Not being able to find the right words to describe what’s exactly going on inside you.

I’m lost and pretending I don’t want to be found. But actually I want myself back but I’m not being able to. And this is why , I am starting to hate myself. I don’t want to but I can’t help it.

SELF HATE ? YEAH I SPEND WITH IT LATELY.

I want to love myself, I want to get myself back. I want to be a person that I could be but never was.